Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
