Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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