I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
