Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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