Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
