I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
