her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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