I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
