I have demons in me.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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