I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
