I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize