the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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