I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
