operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
