Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He? As in you personified your dick?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
