Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
