If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
