i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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