I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
