Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
