i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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