ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
