Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Still dying that you shit outside
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
