we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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