My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Randomize
