Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
