I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
