Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize
