hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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