I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
