I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize