I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
