Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize