We're facebook friends in real life
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
