ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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