allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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