my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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