I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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