ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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