Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize