If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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