The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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