She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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