if you like me you must not know who I am
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
