just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
