he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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