living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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