Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
