I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
So squirting runs in the family.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
