Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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