I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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