I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
