I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
