I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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