I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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