apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
