So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
