they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize