1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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