I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
