FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
