do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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