apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
