dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
