i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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