I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize