I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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