I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
