if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
