I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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