It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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