its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
