i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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