I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
