Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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