My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
