If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
